“Please AKT say something.”
“AKT?”
“Get the fuck out of my house.”
“Okay. I can get out. I deserve it. Is there anything else you want?”
“Yes. Stay the fuck away from anything that is remotely related to me and that includes my cousin.”
I swallowed hard, “Fine” As I walked to the door, feeling the most stupid I have felt in my entire life, I realized he deserved to know how undoubtedly sorry I was.
“Forgive me, AKT.”
I should not have said anything, his eyes flared and the sound of his voice heightened as he spoke to me, “You common prostitute.” He was pointing a finger at me now and his heart seemed to be racing. “Forgive you? For what?”
In all honesty, there was nothing he could forgive me for.
I knew he made the statement out of anger but I also knew that I had not wronged him; AKT had been the one who loved me all his life not the other way round.
Not to get me wrong, I cared a great deal about him but that was about it.
Seeing him did not make my heart race, he did not turn me on simply by being physically present in a room and I did not want to kiss him senseless anytime he opened his mouth to say anything.
Those were the things someone else made me feel, things I was hundred percent certain AKT would never make me feel.
“Forgive me for getting you this way”
He looked at me for a long time and then his lips broke into a sad smile, “Get out” He pointed to the door and I obeyed quietly.
Sometimes you did not want to hurt people, sometimes you did not want to cause them pain or cause them to cry.
But sometimes, your happiness and wellbeing became the only things that truly mattered.
I did not embark on a “make AKT cry” journey; I honestly cared deeply for him.
But at the same time, I was at the point in my life where I wanted to clearly see life, make decisions that would serve me better in life and start making great life choices.
And I knew deep down that to make those decisions, I’d sometimes be selfish.
My Uber driver was waiting for me in a CRV when I emerged from AKT’s compound.
I was going back to Kofo’s.
I needed time to think a lot of things through and time to decide what I wanted.
My phone buzzed and I checked it, it was Brad sending me a message.
He wanted me to come over to the Hospital because he was free.
He wanted more sex, clearly.
After I screwed him on his table and against his Fridge two nights before, I had felt awful.
And now as the message on my phone stared back at me, I felt worse than I had after we fucked.
I blocked his number from sending future messages and deleted his number.
You common prostitute
The words hung in the air like a stubborn odor, refusing to leave and disturbing my senses.
Was that who I was?
A common prostitute?
I sighed as the Driver made a turn and ran into an unforeseen ditch; this was really fucked up.
Chimezie’s call dragged my attention back to my phone but I ignored it for the third time that day.
He had not realized that I found Nkiru’s mouth on his cock, working the thing like she’d interned on Allen Avenue for years.
I had left carefully and refused to reach out to him.
And I had done that because my mind was made up; going back was not an option.
Coldplay’s Fix You began to play on the radio, reducing what was left of my dampened mood to tears.
I struggled and battled and reminded myself of my expensive makeup but the tears pooled in my eyes and fell anyway.
Tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace
I had lost AKT and I was never going to be able to replace him.
I’d also lost Steve, the only man I ever truly fell for and I knew deep down that there was no replacing him.
But would I be able to find my long lost dignity?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
***
“So you will not eat again because AKT said you’re a common prostitute? O ga o”
“You don’t get it, Kofo. It was the way he said it. It just made me feel somehow”
Kofo hissed and balanced the tray containing her breakfast on her thighs.
Only Kofo would eat Amala and Ila alasepo for breakfast. Talk about typical Ibadan behavior.
The aroma of the soup reminded me of the empty state of my stomach and almost convinced me to grab a plate but I did not want to eat.
I needed to punish myself because I was a big prostitute and I had hurt the one person who refused to see me that way.
Until yesterday night of course.
“You have kuku never liked the boy, why his opinion now depresses you is what I will like to know.” She was dipping the hot amala in the bowl of soup, lifting it with stockfish and saki all the way to her mouth.
Okay, I was really hungry.
Maybe it was time to stop the hunger strike and find food.
“Kofo, this is the one person that has genuinely liked your cousin o.”
“So we your family don’t genuinely like you abi? Ode.”
She was not going to get it and I was not going to try and make her understand.
Nobody could really.
Because I was the one who hurt AKT, nobody would expect me to be hurt too.
My phone rang and it was Chimezie again. I rolled my eyes and ignored the call.
“Is that your Sugar Daddy again?”
I nodded, “After collecting head from his former girlfriend, he decided to remember me”
“Maybe he realized your head game cannot be rivaled”
“You’re foolish” I said and stretched myself on the sofa. I was going to try and force myself to sleep.
“Come and eat turkey na” Kofo beckoned
“Abeg leave me, Kofo” I said and buried my head in a fluffy throw pillow.
***
I dreamt about AKT being mad at me and refusing to talk to me.
When I woke, I found out that Kofo had left the house.
Finding my way into her Kitchen, I made myself hot eba.
It was the only thing I thought about when I first opened my eyes, plus the soup Kofo had used earlier could really come in handy.
My phone was ringing when I walked back into the sitting room with my eba and soup.
It was Steve.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw his caller ID on my screen.
This was not good; even his number popping up on my screen was doing things to me.
I picked the call before I remembered AKT had warned me to stay away from everyone including Steve.
“Kaycee why did you do it?”
I did not need to ask before I knew what he was talking about.
“He needed to know.”
“And you of all people knew that abi?”
I did not respond.
“Kaycee, he is heartbroken and he hates me right now. This is happening for the second time.”
“That’s not my fault.”
“You’re right it’s mine.”
Okay, I lost it there.
“Steve, you chose to sleep with your cousin’s woman and did it more than once. Whose fault is that? Whose fault is it that you screwed me senseless two different times?”
He exhaled sharply, “Please meet me at Sailors”
“No” I replied, even though I wanted to see him badly.
“Kaycee…”
“No Steve. AKT asked me to stay away from you. And I intend to obey him.”
“But you want to see me.”
He was right, I wanted to.
I wanted to run into his arms, hold him tight and moan his name while he made love to me.
I wanted to see him, I wanted to kiss him and I wanted to love him.
But I was not going to allow my emotions dictate to me.
For once, I was not going to do what was easy; I was going to do what was right.
“Goodbye Steve.”
“Kaycee, wait…”
“Goodbye” I hung up and returned to lunch.
